Uncertainty and Anxiety in the time of Covid-19

I have been somewhat absent from my counselling practice for a few months now. I’ve been in a hibernation of sorts, cocooned with my family in a little house, in a seaside town in the south west of Victoria, Australia. Here I live in relative safety, quite far from the invasive clutches of Covid-19. Yes, I am in Victoria where numbers of infections rose rapidly and we have all been in a second, more restrictive lockdown, however, where I live has had relatively few recorded cases. I am not afraid that I could contract the virus whenever I leave my home. Still I rarely do leave my home. I have become more comfortable here sequestered with my children, my chickens and my cats, pottering in the garden, drinking herbal tea, reading, watching and dreaming. Sounds idyllic, simple even. I do advocate a simple life. This is, in the most part, the life I have chosen. I know this is how living works best for me, slow, simple, meaningful. But, a kind of darkness has been creeping in over the months and it feels like my way of life is no longer a choice…there is no other choice. Something that is invisible, insidious is affecting the lives of people all over the world as we scramble to make sense of it. And I feel my anxiety rising.

I am no stranger to anxiety. I have experienced fear and apprehension from an early age. I didn’t know it was anxiety then, I just felt uncomfortable much of the time. It hasn’t always stopped me doing what I wanted to do but it coloured my experiences, played with my perceptions and left me feeling unsure and alone. Surely it was only me who felt like this? Nobody else could possibly be quite so deficient, unable to make decisions without their thoughts spinning around and around in their head, looking at all the ways that something could go wrong. But of course, we know many people experience anxiety, as many as 1 in 4 people suffer to an extent that it affects their everyday lives.

So what is anxiety?

Anxiety is a normal neurobiological function. It is our warning system. Without it we could go blindly into situations that could cause us harm. It motivates us to achieve the things we want to achieve. However, when our anxiety levels become too high, when it rises without any apparent threat, it can begin to get in the way of your daily activities and affect your quality of life. There are many signs and symptoms of anxiety including;

• racing heart or tightening of the chest,

• rapid breathing,

• sweating,

• shaking,

• feeling weak or tired,

• obsessive thinking or worrying,

• a sense of impending panic, doom or danger,

• trouble sleeping.

For me, my whole body would lose all definition as an overwhelming fatigue washed over me. I felt an intense pressure in my head, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move, and my heart pounded in my chest, so loudly I was sure everybody could hear it. When I was younger, I would stay home from school, away from too many bodies milling around, taking up space, talking, I needed quiet, solitude, respite. At Uni, I would wonder off and sit alone by the lake or in the uni café while everyone else was in lectures. These were ways I could control my growing anxiety, my fears of being judged, laughed at.

Why anxiety?

Aside from being a neurobiological imperative, our experience of problematic anxiety can come from a variety of sources including;

• family history,

• personality traits,

• physical health,

• stressful or traumatic events.

In terms of family history, there is some evidence suggesting that anxiety can be influenced by genetic factors and social learning. As such, if a family member suffers from anxiety there is an increased risk that you may also suffer from anxiety. Certain traits can also contribute to developing anxiety. Traits such as perfectionism or shyness may increase the likelihood that you will experience anxiety. Stressful life events and trauma can act as a trigger for developing anxiety. These may include;

• financial stress,

• living arrangements,

• unemployment,

• family and relationship problems,

• physical, verbal, sexual or emotional abuse,

• or the death of a loved one.

When I was a child, I always remember my grandmother being referred to as a worrier. It was a badge of honour in many ways because if she was worrying, she cared, she was protecting herself and those around her from some impending doom. If she did not worry something awful could happen. In her life she had experienced numerous losses including losing several children one at three months, one at sixteen and one in his late thirties. She lost her country when she had to leave due to growing unrest. My own mother also experienced these losses as well as her own traumatic life events as an adult that I won’t go into here as they are her own story. What I will say is that I experienced my mother as an incredibly sad woman. This sadness was not always overt, but I could feel it like a thick and impenetrable fog that hung in the air around us. I felt a tremendous sense of disconnection and loneliness growing up. I say this knowing that this is just one thread of what might be my mother’s story, but that was what I observed as a child, a sense of emptiness that became my own emptiness that I’m not sure could be filled, an uncertainty that unnerved me.

So here I am, hiding away in my safe space, the uncertainty of current events loosening my foothold as a sense that my memories of the past, those feelings in my body, are beginning to invade my conscious awareness, leaving me feeling vulnerable and somewhat afraid. I realise it is time to adjust and adapt, to accept the uncertainty in some way. Yes we are slowly moving out of this second lock down in Victoria but realistically things are not going to be the same as they were pre-covid. This virus isn’t going away in a hurry.

Learning to live with uncertainty.

Uncertainty is all around us…not just as the result of a rampant virus that has seemingly ravaged the world. We live with uncertainty every day. So how do we manage it? There are a number of ways we can ease that sense of anxiety in the face of uncertainty. We can;

• Create a daily routine or ritual. This can create an air of certainty in an otherwise uncertain world.

• Eat as healthfully as possible and stay hydrated.

• Try to keep up an exercise routine. It doesn’t have to be complicated. For example. a daily walk around the block, gardening, yoga from the comfort of your own lounge room, from your chair even.

• It is also good to maintain contact with others. That social connection even when we cannot be in the same physical space with that person can help regulate our autonomic nervous system, easing the impact of anxious feelings.

Another way to cope with anxiety and uncertainty is through mindfulness practice. This has been my saving grace so to speak. I began to seek out alternative methods to manage my anxiety when I was in my twenties. It was at this point I came across a book called Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hahn. As such I have tried to incorporate mindfulness principles into my daily life as much as I can. I have to say my practice falls by the wayside from time to time and it is at times like these we are experiencing now, that I realise, I need to return to practice.

Mindfulness has been described as paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, without judgement. A mindfulness practice doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be as simple as bringing our attention to that first sip of our morning coffee, feeling the warmth of the mug in our hand, savouring the flavour in our mouth. You can also pay similar attention to eating a meal, showering, washing the dishes. You may also want to try a simple mindfulness meditation such as the one below:

• Sit comfortably on a chair or a cushion holding your spine as if a piece of string is passing through your body gently pulling you upwards.

• Close or lower your eyes and bring your attention to your breath.

• You do not need to alter your breath at all in this moment just observe the rise and fall of your belly, your chest. Feel the cool air enter your nose and the warm air leave your mouth.

• Gently and with curiosity bring your attention to your body.

• Feel the pressure of the chair or cushion on your body, on your thighs, your back where you sit.

• Feel your arms resting on your lap or on the floor beside you.

• Feel your feet planted on the floor. Gently rock them from heel to toe as you feel the pressure of the floors surface beneath you.

• If any thoughts or feelings come up just let them be. There is no need to judge them. Just notice them, observe them and let them pass by, bringing your attention back to your breath.

• If you feel any discomfort, simply shift your position until you are feeling more comfortable.

• Just breathe and observe.

• After 5-10 minutes begin to bring your awareness away from your body and back into the room. Slowly looking around the room attending to what you see, hear, smell, around you.

If you have any concerns, if your anxiety is impacting your everyday life please consider contacting a health or counselling professional. If you would like to contact me you can do so via email at serenitypsychotherapy@protonmail.com or phone 0497 685 620 or go to my website www.serenitycounsellingandpsychotherapy.com and book through my booking system. No referral is required.